What's worse - being there or not being there? If you're there you can share yourself with everyone else; if you're not there no one can misinterpret you. Well I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to force connections, I'm sick of saying "have a good one" to every customer coming through my lane, I don't like how I'm suddenly self-conscious about everything I do and say and project after a couple years of living free and easy (mentally), I'm sick of explaining things, I'm sick of having to explain things, I'm sick of that weird distance that manifests itself when somebody expects an explanation that I can't give to them.
I'm not even that blue, at least not as much as it sounds like, I'm just done, indifferent, I want to separate myself from everything at this point, I'm sick of all my little projects and things and texts on a daily basis and being this guy that you and your friends know, cause you don't know, how could you know when I don't even know? Those days when you wake up and you never quite get comfortable no matter how much you stretch - that's where my mind is at. Long fingernails you forgot to trim and now you're stuck at work for seven hours and with every little action you perform those uncomfortable fingertips flare in your head like regrets.
And this isn't even the first time, but after so many times falling down and getting up again I wonder if I'm even making any progress. "Oh, that's just part of life, you know," yes, I know, but is that the only part? Am I capable of learning from my mistakes, or am I only learning to make more mistakes and to do more damage in ways I wasn't capable of before? My daydreams are variations of the same woman, the same romance, and for all I know she doesn't even exist. Am I endearing or pathetic? Am I a good dancer or does my body just move around when I hear things? Even the music gets worse. That's been one of the only constants and I don't know. Adding to the album collection, one more LP, one more song, one more band, one more genre, who cares at this point. I doubt music is going to change my life anymore than it already has.
But this sound, these 40 minutes, if nothing else, its a safe place, but just for the time being.
I'm going back to bed.
(alıntı / alındı)